


Past Lives

by Rocky_T



Series: The Lieutenant [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-29 23:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rocky_T/pseuds/Rocky_T
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janeway's relationship with Lieutenant Justin Tighe--the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Contains references to events and characters established in “Mosaic” by Jeri Taylor, but it is not necessary to have read the book in order to understand this story.  
> With thanks to m.c. moose, who helped plant the seed and encouraged it to grow. Written in 1999.

"You never talk about him."

Janeway looked at her first officer in surprise. “I've been regaling you with stories about my father for the last two hours, since you insisted I shouldn't 'commemorate' the date of his death sitting alone in my quarters. Aside from that, I'm sure I've mentioned him from time to time."

Chakotay shook his head. "I didn't mean your father, Kathryn. Over the years I've heard plenty about Vice-Admiral Edward Janeway. Enough, in fact, that I'm pretty sure Shannon O’Donnell wasn't the _only_ ancestor who inspired you to seek a career in Starfleet." He shifted to a more comfortable position on the couch, grateful he was in civvies instead of the more confining uniform. "I was referring to someone else, who meant just as much to you, and who also died in the crash on Terra Nova."

"Justin," she said flatly.

"Yes. Lieutenant Justin Tighe. You've told me a lot about Mark and your relationship with him, but you've said very little about the first man you agreed to marry."

She turned away from him, just slightly, and focused her gaze on a distant part of the room. "There really isn't much to tell. We met on the Icarus, serving under Admiral Owen Paris. We became engaged, I brought him home to Indiana to meet my family, and then he died. End of story."

Chakotay leaned forward so he was once more in her field of vision. "Not quite. He was a member of the 'Fleet Rangers and played an important role in rescuing you and the Admiral when you were captured by the Cardassians."

"He led the raid," she said reluctantly.

"And according to the official record, you ended up helping to rescue him before it was all over."

She shot a suspicious glance at him. "Been checking up on me, Commander?"

"Not recently," he said mildly. 

"But you _did_ check up on me."

"I read your service record, back when we destroyed the Caretaker's Array and you asked me to join your crew and serve as First Officer. Just a sensible precaution to see what I was getting myself into."

"Back when _I_ destroyed the Array, you mean." Her voice held a note of self-recrimination, but not as much, he decided, as it once would have.

"It was a command decision, yes," he said lightly yet firmly. "But as I could've stopped you and didn't, and almost immediately afterwards became part of the command team myself, I was using the 'royal we'." Hoping to forestall any further protests or attempts to change the subject, he returned to his earlier topic. "I would just like to hear a little bit about the kind of person Justin was, how you fell in love and so on."

Her eyes met his. "You surprise me, Chakotay. I didn't think you were the type who liked hearing all the details about former lovers."

He chuckled. "Oh, I'm not the jealous type, Kathryn. Especially when--" he choked off the rest of the sentence.

"Especially when they're long since dead," she finished for him. She held up a hand. "It's all right, Chakotay. That's the theme for tonight, isn't it? Remembering the dead. Both of them." She fell silent.

"Remembering their lives, Kathryn. There's a difference. But if it makes you so uncomfortable--"

"I don't feel uncomfortable speaking about Justin. It's just that, well, we had so little time together. A matter of months, that's all."

"But Kathryn," he prodded gently, "you were in love with him. You were going to get married. He was a major part of your life."

She distractedly lifted a hand to her hair and played with a stray lock. "A past life, Chakotay. It was a very long time ago."

He reached over and gently took her hands in his. "All of us have past lives, Kathryn, that have shaped us and equipped us to deal with the lives we're leading now. Every person that you've touched, and who has touched you in return, has helped to make you who you are today."

She closed her eyes for a moment and then looked at him with an almost pleading expression. "It was long ago, Chakotay. Nearly half a lifetime, and it almost feels like it happened to another person. I was so young then, so unsure of myself." She sighed. "He was my first real love. And when he died, I wanted to die too. I remember that very clearly. The rest of it, the brief time we shared? I can remember the events but I don't know if I can recall anymore what I must have felt."

"You do remember, Kathryn. Share it with me. I want to hear about this Kathryn Janeway."

She gave in to the inevitable. "I suppose I should begin about a month after the rescue mission…."


	2. Chapter 2

Ensign Kathryn Janeway bit back the words she had been about to say and silently counted to ten. The object of her ire was blithely unaware. His back was turned to her as he continued entering commands into the console. All she could see was the back of his head and the swell of his broad shoulders beneath the black and gold of his uniform. Finally he looked up and saw the expression on her face.

"What?"

"You're doing it again, Justin."

"Doing what?"

"Ignoring what I'm saying."

"I'm not ignoring you, Kathryn. I heard every word you said." He turned back to his task.

"You may have heard me, Justin. But I don't think you're really listening to me." She could feel her frustration levels rising.

He sighed, and moved away from the console. "I really was listening to you. You're concerned about Admiral Paris."

"I certainly am! Look at how he's been the last few weeks. There's something very wrong."

"Kathryn, he's been medically cleared to return to active duty. He is fulfilling all of his duties perfectly. I don't see what the problem is."

"He was tortured, Justin! He needs to deal with the psychological damage that was inflicted on him as well as the physical. And that's why I think we should curtail this assignment and return to Earth. We've already collected quite a bit of scientific data pertaining to our 'official' mission, and as far as the more covert one is concerned, well, that's pretty much shot to hell at this point, wouldn't you say?"

He leaned forward, his eyes very intent. "First of all, Kathryn, we haven't completed our astrometric surveys. Second, our unofficial mission does not concern you. You were informed of our intentions to perform surveillance on Cardassian military installations only so you would not question some of our course changes and procedures. If you hadn't had the bad luck to be onboard the captured shuttle, you wouldn't have been any the wiser about our real purpose. As it is, all I can tell you is to just stay out of it."

"You make it sound as though you think I should never have been told in the first place," she said incredulously.

"You shouldn't have, nor should the rest of the senior science staff. But it wasn't my call to make."

Her anger bubbled over. "Well, like it or not, I'm already involved. Damn it, Justin, I was _there_. I was lucky enough to get away relatively untouched. But I heard what they did to him. I could hear him screaming. They broke him. All of his years in Starfleet, all of his experience, and they broke him. He needs help, Justin, and more than just what our doctor and sickbay facilities can provide!"

"It's not your decision, Ensign." His voice was very low but held a note of warning.

"I am aware of that, _Lieutenant_ ," she snapped, throwing his own rank back at him. "But as is my right, I am expressing my concerns to my immediate superior officer."

"Concerns noted." He turned back to his work. 

She stood there for a few more moments, and when she realized he wasn't going to say anything further, she strode furiously towards the door. Just when she was about to exit, she heard him call out.

"Still on for dinner at 1800 hours?"

She stopped, and turned around to look at him. His head was still bent over the console.

"I suppose so. A girl can't be too picky these days."

~*~

Over dinner Justin had managed to cajole her out of her anger, and without once ever admitting that he was wrong or that her ideas may have had some merit. She didn't think of herself as a passive person, but somehow he was able, more often than not, to manipulate her into complying with what he wanted and even to convince her that it was what she had wanted all along. It was a foregone conclusion that afterwards they ended up in his cabin.

She watched him now as he lay on his side, his body relaxed in slumber. There was something about him that always brought to mind a panther, an illusion reinforced by his powerful feline grace, his smooth black hair and his narrow alert face. Now, watching him sleep, she was reminded again of one of the big cats, this time at ease, with the knowledge of a hunt's successful conclusion. 

She thought again of how little she really knew him. For months they had worked side by side, and she had constantly fought to get him to acknowledge her importance as a member of the science team. She had even accused him of treating her as little more than a mobile tricorder. He had apologized, and then things had gone back to exactly the way they had been before. She had despaired of ever proving herself to him. 

Then she and Admiral Paris had been taken prisoner on Urtea II. And Justin had come to their rescue.

It hadn't really been a surprise to discover that Lieutenant Justin Tighe was much more than a liaison between the Astrophysics and Engineering departments. He always conducted himself with such assurance, and so much self-reliance, that she hadn't been shocked to find out that he was one of the covert Rangers stationed onboard. During their incredible rescue and desperate attempt to reach the beam-out site, she realized that this was how he'd always acted, never volunteering any unnecessary information, always preferring to work alone. Until they encountered some "complications", as he later put it, in the form of Cardassian search parties and their snarling Toskanar beasts. Her quick-thinking had saved them both, and she finally saw the respect in his eyes that she had waited so long to see. 

She had thought she understood what she felt about him. He had a job to do, and he did it well. Her grudging respect for him melted into gratitude, gratitude and a reluctant liking. Later, Admiral Paris had spelled out for her exactly what Justin's past history with the Cardassians had been, and she was stunned by what he had risked in coming after her. What had gone into the making of such a man, she wondered, so hardened to physical discomfort, even torture, that he was able to dismiss the very real chance of it occurring again?

After speaking with the Admiral, she had impulsively gone to Justin's cabin, to thank him. Their eyes had met and then he said, "I knew I wasn’t going to let them hurt you."

Such a brief, laconic statement, but it had gone to her heart, touching her as she had never been touched before. They had come together that night in a torrent of emotions and previously repressed desires. She had been driven by a hunger, an urge so elemental she wondered how she'd denied its existence for so long. She had assumed he felt the same, acknowledged what had been the true source of tension between them. And she had thought that night that she finally understood him, but now wondered if she really did at all.

Even as she stared at him his eyes opened suddenly and she saw herself reflected in their green depths.

"Hey there. How are you feeling?"

"Good. Relaxed." He reached over and picked up a long lock of her hair. He wove it gently through his fingers, then filled both hands with her hair and lifted it to his lips. "Mmm."

"You've really got a thing for my hair, don't you? Sometimes I wonder if you would have ever noticed me without it."

"Oh, you're pretty hard to overlook, Kathryn. Not many ensigns are as big a pain in the ass as you were from day one."

"I just love it when you get so sentimental and romantic," she said sarcastically.

"You were fishing, Kathryn, admit it." His hand moved from her hair to trace the curve of her neck.

"And if I was?" Her breathing quickened.

"Fine. As you are very well aware, but want to hear me say, you are gorgeous, smart, and tough, and no one in his right mind could ever, ever fail to notice you."

"Thanks. I was beginning to wonder." She sat up abruptly, interrupting his hand's downward journey.

He sat up also and gave her a speculative glance. "But to be honest, I have always had a thing for women with long hair. Specially redheads."

She shook her head, amused. "My hair isn't red, Justin. It's brown with some gold and bronze highlights."

"More than just highlights, Kathryn. Face it, it's auburn." He placed his hand on her shoulder and exerted a gentle downward pressure.

"Fine." She sighed, and yielding to his quiet insistence, lay back down again. "I can never win an argument with you."

"That's because I outrank you."

"Not here, you don"t." She smiled up at him provocatively.

He had a feral grin on his face as he bent over her. "Want to bet on that?"

"Try me."

"Oh, I intend to."

Much later, she murmured sleepily against his chest, "God, you can be so infuriating sometimes, Justin. I don't know why I love you as much as I do." 

He didn't answer. She was disappointed, but as sleep claimed her came the thought that he must have simply dozed off already. 

~*~

Janeway strode rapidly through the corridors of the Icarus. She had less than an hour before her shift began, and less than 30 minutes till the science department briefing. Not much time to shower, put on a clean uniform and make herself presentable. She keyed in the entrance commands to her cabin and wasn't surprised to see her roommate already dressed, sipping coffee in the work alcove as she perused the contents of a padd.

"Good morning, Sal, replicate me a cup, too?" Janeway called out as she passed her, shedding garments on her way to the bathroom.

"Morning, Kathryn. Sleep well?" Ensign Sally Rhodes asked with a mischievous grin.

Janeway blushed but didn't halt her forward progress. "Sleep wasn’t exactly on the agenda for last night."

"I'll bet," murmured Rhodes in amusement. She heard the sounds emanating from the bathroom. "A hydro-shower? Are you crazy? Have you looked at the chronometer since you got up? You're not going to have time for your hair to dry and still check the specs for the briefing."

"I went over the calculations again yesterday afternoon, Sal. I've got plenty of time." Janeway's voice floated over the partition.

Rhodes shook her head in disbelief. "I don't know how you do it, Kathryn."

"Do what?" asked Janeway, emerging in a terry robe, her head wrapped in a towel.

"Find time to juggle everything. But you manage and manage well. I don't have your 'distractions' and I still have trouble fitting all the work in. Then again, I'm not a crackerjack mathematician like you nor do I have your talent in practical applications."

Janeway looked at her roommate in surprise. "Sally, don't sell yourself short."

"Oh, I know what I'm capable of. But I'm not in your league."

Uncomfortable with the praise, Janeway changed the subject. "I presume when you say distractions you're referring to Justin." A sudden thought struck her. "Sal, is it public knowledge about us?"

Rhodes was quick to reassure her. "No, you've been very discreet. Hell, the way you two are constantly sparring in public, it'd take a telepath to figure out that you're involved. The only reason I know what's going on is because I can't help but notice when my roommate's bed is not slept in more than one night out of three."

Janeway picked up her mug. "Mmm. There's nothing like a good cup of coffee." She finished dressing and then proceeded to deal with her hair.

Rhodes watched her for a few moments. "So how is it going with you and the Lieutenant?"

Janeway's hands paused. "I honestly don't know. There are times when I feel so incredibly close to him, and others when I haven't the faintest idea what's going on inside of his head. That sparring you mentioned? It's not an act to put off any nosy crewmembers. There are times when I feel like throttling him."

"In other words, just your everyday normal relationship."

"I wish I knew. Unfortunately, I don't have a vast amount of experience on the subject." Janeway tried unsuccessfully to keep the wistful tone out of her voice.

Her roommate looked at her in astonishment. "Are you joking, Kathryn? What'd you do, take a vow of celibacy when you were in the Academy?"

"Something like that," Janeway muttered through the pins in her mouth as she struggled to put up her hair.

"Here, let me do that for you." Janeway gratefully relinquished the brush. Rhodes proceeded to swiftly and competently deal with the recalcitrant locks. "There, that should keep it off your face, and looks nice and businesslike to boot."

"Thanks. I appreciate the help." Janeway took one last look in the mirror and then went over to the desk.

"Uh, just one thing, Kathryn."

Janeway turned around, padd in hand, to see Rhodes looking at her with a very serious expression on her face. "Yes?"

"It's about Justin. Look, I don't normally go around interfering in other people's relationships, but I want to tell you this anyways, especially after what you just said. I think you should know that Justin's got quite a reputation."

"What do you mean?"

Rhodes looked as though she were uncomfortable with what she was about to say. "I've been in Starfleet a few years longer than you, Kathryn. I know what it's like on the typical deep space missions. There are a lot of couples that hook up simply out of convenience. When a breakup happens, and it often does because there isn't a lot holding them together in the first place, it can be very messy. And when you're as isolated as we are, you can be stuck together for a long time, making it rather, uh, awkward. Even if the relationship survives till the mission's end, there has to be an awful lot going for it in order to last past the arrival in space-dock."

Janeway returned her level gaze. "I understand."

"There's more. Justin Tighe in particular has the reputation of being a real 'love 'em and leave 'em' type. Some of our crew have served with him in the past and seen him in action. I've also got friends who've been on missions with him and it doesn't sound good. I'd hate to see you get hurt, Kathryn. I hope you're not in over your head."

 _Too late for that_ , thought Janeway, but she managed a wry smile. "Do I really have that lost puppy look about me that suggests I need looking after?"

Rhodes laughed. "Not at all. You give the impression of someone who's quite capable of taking care of herself. But even the self-sufficient ones still could use a friend from time to time. And I just want you to know that I'm here."

Janeway would have liked to dismiss the entire conversation, but her basic core of honesty forced her to admit that her friend had raised some valid points. She reached out and touched the other woman's arm. "Thanks, Sally, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. And now, unless there's anything else, I think we'd better get to that meeting."

"There is one more thing, come to think of it."

"Oh?" Janeway said, mentally steeling herself.

Rhodes gestured to the clothes strewn around the living area. "Do you think you could clean up that mess first?"


	3. Chapter 3

Commander T'Por was nothing if not predictable. Departmental meetings always followed a set pattern. Updates on current projects were reported, new issues raised, rotations set for any planned away missions, all followed by a few brief announcements of general ship news. It was undoubtedly a logical system, as the Vulcan scientist herself would say.

Today's meeting was not typical. 

Admiral Paris was not in attendance. As hard as it had been to see him sitting there day after day with a dazed expression, to have the normally ebullient Admiral suddenly transformed into a silent figure, Janeway found his absence alarming. Judging by the looks of the others at the table, she was not the only one.

"In a break from our usual routine, I would like to commence with some newsworthy items before we delve into today's session," said Commander T’Por. "You will have noticed that our commanding officer is not present. Admiral Paris will be going on medical leave, effective tomorrow at 0800 hours. At that time, I will be assuming command of the Icarus for the duration of our mission."

Stunned silence met her words.

"Since you are doubtless concerned over the Admiral's condition, I hasten to assure you that there has been no change in the past 24 hours which has prompted this decision. The Admiral simply feels this is an appropriate course of action at this time, based on recommendations from our chief medical officer as well as others." Janeway was surprised to see the Vulcan's gaze rest on Justin. She turned to look at him as well but he did not meet her eyes. She focused once again on what T'Por was saying.

"We will be rendezvousing with the U.S.S. Darwin in 48 hours. They will be delivering supplies, as well as downloading much of the data we have obtained over the last several months, and will transport Admiral Paris back to Earth."

Janeway found her gaze once more straying to Justin. Could he have been responsible for this sudden change? In light of his covert status, any recommendation of his would carry weight. But after he had seemingly ignored her earlier impassioned statements, she found it hard to believe.

She realized that T'Por was now manipulating a holomap over the center of the conference table. Icarus' course heading was changing quite drastically, leading them in the opposite direction from Cardassian territory. Though nothing was said outright, it appeared that though the ship's primary mission still had several months to go, the unofficial one was now concluded.

After the meeting broke up Janeway headed immediately for the exit. She had been debating with herself whether to approach Justin before or after she had a chance to speak to the Admiral. She decided that Justin could wait; she was more concerned about verifying for herself that Admiral Paris was all right. Anyways, she would see Justin during her duty shift. He was her immediate superior after all.

"Ensign Janeway, one moment if you please."

She stopped and turned back to the conference table where T'Por now stood alone. "Yes, Commander."

"First I would like to note that your calculations provide an elegant and efficient solution to the problem posed at yesterday's session."

"Thank you, ma'am." Janeway wondered where this was leading. Vulcans were not prone to paying compliments any more than they were known for making small talk.

"In light of your grasp of the more complicated aspects of our surveys, you are being reassigned. I have decided that it would be a more efficient use of our staff to have you working with Lieutenant Ditillo. You will henceforth be reporting to him."

"Commander, Ensign Rhodes has been working with Lieutenant Ditillo for the past few months—"

"This is not a reflection on your fellow officer, Ensign. You are not replacing Ensign Rhodes, rather the two of you will be working together."

Janeway knew she was pushing but asked anyway. "What about Lieutenant Tighe, ma'am?"

Janeway wished she were more adept at reading Vulcan body language. The dark eyes and placid features gave away nothing. If T'Por was aware of the relationship and was concerned with the breach of protocol it represented, she gave no indication. "In light of our 'course change' the Engineering Liaison requires no additional staff to carry out his assigned duties."

"Yes, ma'am. I see." As she turned to leave, she wished she actually did. 

~*~

“Enter.”

Janeway stepped into the Ready Room. She had been relieved to find the Admiral there instead of in his quarters, even more so to be permitted access. It had been a long time since she had spoken with him.

Ever since he had agreed to be her thesis advisor during her junior year at the Academy, Janeway had forged a special relationship with the Admiral. Even now, they were much closer than would normally be expected for a senior officer and an ensign on her first assignment. Admiral Paris was her mentor, the ideal to which she aspired. Always there to encourage her, he had joined her own father on the exalted pedestal of her esteem.

Immediately after their rescue, the Admiral had seemed more or less all right, given the circumstances. He was shaken by their experiences on Urtea II; they both were. He had admitted to her how quickly and thoroughly he had broken down under Cardassian torture, expressed his admiration for Justin who had been able to withstand so much more had been sufficiently himself to commend her for her actions on the planet and to even suggest that she switch to the Command track to fully make use of her talents.

Within a few days of their return, however, Admiral Paris had undergone a change. He became silent, and moody. Once in almost constant attendance on the bridge, he now spent most of his time sequestered in his Ready Room or cabin. Most alarming of all was the look on his face, the total absence of life in his eyes.

She glanced around the room. He was obviously packing up. The various personal momentos were gone. The normally cluttered desktop was almost completely bare, with only the computer terminal still present.

He looked up from the partially filled box resting on the desk chair. “I thought you’d be heading straight here as soon as you heard, Kathryn.”

“I didn’t know I was that predictable, Admiral.”

He attempted a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “In this turbulent world we find ourselves, Ensign, there is a very short list of the things we can count on. The tenacious nature of Kathryn Janeway is one of them.” For some reason, the forced flippancy hurt even more than his silence of the previous weeks.

She strove to keep her voice steady. “I just wanted to tell you sir, that as much as we will miss your presence for the rest of the mission, you’re doing the right thing.”

He put down the picture he was holding. She caught a brief glimpse and realized it was of his wife and children. She recognized that particular picture, as it had always occupied the place of honor on his desk no matter where he was posted, a testament to what his family meant to him. It would be very good for the Admiral to be reunited with his loved ones, especially the son who was his pride and joy. She was so caught up in the images her thoughts evoked that she almost missed his next words.

“Of course you approve, Ensign. It was your damn idea in the first place.” His lips twitched slightly at her expression. “You’re really going to have to work on your poker face, Kathryn, if you take my advice and decide you want to sit in the big chair one day.”

“My idea, sir?”

“See for yourself.” He handed her a padd. Scanning it quickly, she saw it was a recommendation for medical leave. Her jaw dropped when she found the phrase “based on independent observations by the Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Benjamin Pierce, and Ensign Kathryn Janeway of the Astrophysics department.” Scrolling down to the end she saw the words “submitted by Lieutenant Justin Tighe.”

“Well I’ll be damned. He was listening to me after all.” She colored as she realized that she had spoken out loud.

Admiral Paris gave her a look. It was only a pale imitation of the one that used to strike fear into the hearts of cadets and officers alike, but even that took noticeable effort. She willed herself not to cry. 

His expression changed radically at the stricken look on her face. “All part of the risks we assume when we take our duty oaths. I won’t lie to you and say that I’m fine. But I will be, one day, thanks to you, and some others. Now come here, Kathryn, and let an old man say goodbye to you properly. To hell with protocol for a few minutes.”

He gave her a quick hug. “Take care of yourself. And remember what I said. That blue uniform looks good on you, but you’d look a damned sight better in command red.”

~*~

After her shift was over Janeway made her way to the holodeck. Despite the upheaval of its beginning, the rest of her day had turned out to be relatively tranquil. Lieutenant Ditillo was much easier to work with than Justin had ever been, she acknowledged ruefully.

She stepped through the large double doors and found herself in a gym setting. Justin was standing in the center, facing her, although she didn’t think he saw her. He was stripped to the waist and a fine patina of sweat overlay the well-defined musculature of his torso. Arms, shoulders, chest, abdomen, she thought she had never seen a more perfectly sculpted body. A headband stretched across his forehead, keeping more sweat from running into his eyes. 

It was some type of martial arts regimen, she realized. She was not familiar enough with the different disciplines to identify it more accurately. His arms and legs were in constant motion, and the smooth interplay of limbs reminded her suddenly of something she hadn’t thought of in years, the ballet class at The Meadows, the old primary school she’d attended in Indiana. The older students had exhibited the same supple beauty and grace. Young Kathryn had burned to emulate them, not realizing at the time that her petite frame would never resemble those elegant sweeping lines.

But Justin had that beauty, if one could use that word to describe such an obviously masculine body. He was deep in concentration, gave no indication that he was aware he was no longer alone.

After several more minutes he stopped and suddenly seemed to see her. “How long have you been standing there?”

“For a while. Long enough to get an appreciation for what you were doing.”

He picked up a towel and rubbed his face briskly, then grinned when he saw where her gaze was directed. “See anything you like?”

“Now who’s fishing?” she said teasingly. “I thought I already answered that question.”

Any rejoinder he may have made was interrupted by the computer. “Allotted time for this session will be over in 5 minutes.” 

Justin slipped a shirt over his head, picked up his bag and headed for the door. “That’s our cue. Computer, end program.” The gym abruptly vanished to be replaced by the familiar black and gold grid. She followed him out.

Justin glanced at her uniform. “Why don’t you change and then come by? I want to get cleaned up a bit first.”

“Yes, by all means do,” she said, wrinkling up her nose in mock distaste.

“I guess this means you don’t really believe in unconditional love, now do you, Kathryn?”

“Let’s discuss this again after you’ve showered.”

Twenty minutes later, she stood outside his door, shifting the wine bottle to her other hand so she could hit the signal. “Come in.” She entered and gave him a quick kiss. 

“I don’t know why you always signal. You’ve got my entry codes.”

She shrugged. “Common courtesy I guess. Here.” She handed him the wine.

He looked at it appraisingly. “Very nice. It’ll go well with the meal.” He opened it up and set it on the table.

“How was your day?” he asked.

“Surprisingly, it went well. It’s amazing what can be accomplished when you’ve got someone receptive to work with.”

He acknowledged the thrust. “Glad to hear it. Want to hear how my day was?”

“Yes, how did it go?”

“Damn lonely. I missed you,” he said and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her, softly at first and then with increasing intensity. When he finally released her she felt weak.

“Guess there are still some areas where you prefer me to Ditillo.”

“I wouldn’t know. Just what area of proficiency, exactly, were you referring to?”

“Trust me on this one, Kathryn.”

She followed him over to the replicator and helped him set the dishes on the table. He filled their wine glasses and they began to eat.

“Did you have anything to do with my reassignment, Justin?” she asked, picking at her salad.

“Why do you ask?”

“Just answer the question. Did you?”

“No. This one was T’Por’s initiative. Did you ask her about it?”

“Yes. And she said something about a more efficient use of the staff.”

“Sounds good to me.” He looked at her more closely. “What’s bothering you?”

She laid her fork down. “I wonder if the Commander made the changes because she was aware of our involvement.”

“Vulcans aren’t interested in gossip, Kathryn. I really don’t think T’Por gives a damn about who’s sleeping with who on the ship.”

“Starfleet protocols on fraternization, Justin. Remember those? You’re my supervising officer. Or were.”

“Look, Kathryn, this is your first deep space mission, so let me clarify some things for you. Yes, the regulations exist. For the most part, they’re in place to prevent abuses of power. But there’s a lot of gray area, too. For example, despite the fact we were working together, we’re not really in the same chain of command. You’re science, I’m engineering. You could make a case that that the protocols don’t apply here. Anyway, it’s a moot point now.”

Today everyone was finding it necessary to explain things to her. “Yes, I suppose it is.” She took a sip of her wine.

“Were you really worried, Kathryn? It didn’t seem like that to me.” He picked up her free hand from the table and dropped a kiss into the palm. She knew he could feel her pulse jump.

“I suppose I wasn’t really thinking much about it. You make it awfully hard for me to concentrate sometimes,” she said pointedly.

“Could have fooled me. It never seemed to stop you from coming up with yet another bright idea to nag me about.” He continued eating unconcernedly.

There was the opening she had been looking for. She strove to keep her tone light. “Speaking of which, I found out that the Admiral’s medical leave is a direct result of your report. Your report stating my concerns.” 

He caught the look on her face. “Seems to me you should be happy about that, instead of wanting to bite my head off.”

She tried to remain calm, but failed. “And it seems to me you could have told me about this beforehand! Instead I had to find out from Admiral Paris. At least he was straightforward with me.” From his expression she knew she’d hit a sore spot.

“Yes, I’m sure you went running straight to him as soon as the meeting was over.”

She caught an unfamiliar note in his voice, attempted to define it, but it eluded her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just commenting on your close relationship to the Admiral. Rather unusual for an ensign, wouldn’t you say?”

“Don’t play games, Justin. What are you getting at?”

“It just strikes me as funny that you’re worried about what the Starfleet fraternization protocols have to say about us while overlooking a much larger ‘impropriety’.”

Her eyes narrowed. “For God sakes, Justin, I’m not now nor have I ever slept with Owen Paris.” 

“I never said that you were.”

She threw her napkin down on the table. “Not in so many words, but you implied it. I can’t believe I have to justify my relationship with him, explain to you why I care about him. He was my advisor at the Academy. He’s been my friend and teacher ever since. Damn it, he’s a father figure to me. Where do you get off insinuating that there is anything else? Maybe it never occurred to you, but there are officers interested in something besides sex. Besides, the man’s got a wife and family that he’s devoted to.”

He was angry now too. “Since when does that have anything to do with it? Even the devoted family types can’t help but notice attractive little ensigns who’ve got a bad case of hero worship. You mean to say the Admiral never did anything about your little crush on him? Those away missions with just the two of you, all those little closed door sessions in his Ready Room?” 

“I won’t even dignify that with an answer. You are so off base on this one, it isn’t even funny.”

“Suit yourself. I’m not suggesting that you screwed your way to this assignment, Kathryn, so you can drop the injured martyr routine. I know you’re damn capable and that you worked very hard to get to where you are now.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” she said sarcastically. “Now why don’t you drop the jealous boyfriend routine?”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m not jealous.”

“Good. You’ve got no reason to be.” Their eyes locked.

He looked away first. “Oh, hell. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry you took it the wrong way. Let’s just drop it.” 

It was very quiet. She was still seething.

He sighed. “Why do we do act this way, Kathryn? Things seem to be going well and then all of the sudden we’re like opposite sides in an armed conflict. How does this happen?”

She felt suddenly very tired. “I think it’s because you’re never forthcoming with me, Justin. I have to constantly struggle to get you to listen to me. I never know what you’re thinking because you never give me a straight answer about anything. You’re distant and evasive, and not just about work related topics. You never let me know you appreciate me, never let me know if I’m important to you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “You’ve never even told me that you love me.”

He got up and walked away from the table, went over to the viewport. “Damn it, Justin, you’re doing it again! Look at me! Talk to me. Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”

He slowly turned and she saw a fleeting look of vulnerability in his eyes, but before she could react, it was gone. In its place was his usual control. When he spoke, his voice was deadly quiet. “Stop trying to analyze me, Kathryn. You think too damn much, you know that? You’re always reading things that aren’t there. And as far as being distant, unlike you, I didn’t grow up in a cozy little house in Indiana. I grew up on Klatus Prime, a dirt-poor failed mining colony in the literal middle of nowhere. We were too busy trying to survive to worry about whether or not we were ‘expressing’ ourselves. We didn’t have the luxury of going around talking about our feelings all the time.”

Any sympathy she might have had vanished as well. “You just don’t get it, do you?” She moved angrily toward the door.

In a flash he was there beside her. He grabbed her arms, spun her around to face him. “Kathryn, wait. Look, I’m sorry that you’re upset. I don’t know what you want me to say. But don’t walk out on me like this.”

She didn’t answer. Mistaking her silence for acquiescence, he lowered his mouth to hers. She twisted away.

“No.”

“What did you say?” he said in surprise.

“I said no. I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to let you manipulate me once more.”

“I’ve never manipulated you, Kathryn,” he said, shaking his head.

“Oh, yes, you have, Justin. You get me so tied up in knots it’s a wonder I can think straight. I’m sick of this. We argue, you wriggle your way out of it, and then we make love. Nothing ever gets resolved. Well, it’s not going to happen again. Not tonight, not ever. I’m through.”

“Kathryn, don’t--”

“Good night, Justin.” As she left she thought it was a pity the automatic doors couldn’t be made to slam.


	4. Chapter 4

Her control lasted until she made it to the safety of her own cabin. She had kept her emotions bottled up, even managing to greet the people she passed in the corridors. But as soon as she was inside and the door closed behind her, the storm broke.

Rhodes looked up in surprise. “Hi. I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

“Change of plans,” Janeway said weakly, and then slumped down onto the couch. She buried her head in her arms and sobbed out her rage and hurt.

Wisely, Rhodes waited until the tears showed signs of abating before she said anything. She went into the other room and came back with a handful of tissues. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Janeway wiped her damp face and blew her nose. She ran her hand through her hair. “God, I must look a sight.”

“Would you like to talk about it? It may help.”

Janeway sighed. “I don’t think anything is going to help at this point, Sally.”

“It may make you feel better.”

“There really isn’t much to say. We had another fight. He said, well, never mind. It doesn’t matter what the specifics were. But when I told him he never communicates, he never lets me in, he never lets me know how he feels, well, he just shrugged it off as if it weren’t important. As if _I_ weren’t important. And I guess I’m not.”

“Kathryn, I’m sorry.”

“Well, you were right. You called this one. I was convenient. Worked right there with him, he didn’t need to look very far to find someone to keep him from getting too lonely on this mission. I was there, hell, I came to him the first time, to thank him for rescuing me. I was stupid enough to fall for him, and right into his bed. But that’s all it was.”

“You weren’t stupid for falling in love, Kathryn.”

“No, just stupid for thinking that he was possibly in love with me, too.” She got up and started to pace around the room, driven by a need to move or jump out of her skin. 

“So where do you go from here?” 

The question pulled Janeway up short. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if there is anything left. More importantly, I don’t know if he even wants to try. He doesn’t think there’s a problem, you see. The insensitive, self-involved jackass!” She snatched up a pillow and sent it sailing across the room, then regretted her burst of temper. “Sorry.”

“No problem, as long as you stick to the non-breakables. But if you don’t mind, don’t pick up anything fragile.” 

Janeway paced a little more, finally wound up at the viewport and leaned her head against the glass. It wasn’t really glass, of course, but a transparent metal alloy backed up by a force field. But it was smooth and cool to the touch like glass, and it felt good against her forehead. She watched the distorted streaks of starlight skim by.

“What are you going to do, Kathryn?”

“The smart thing to do would be to say the hell with him, that he’s never going to change, and that I’m wasting my time. Just forget about him and move on.” 

“Yes, that would be the smart thing,” agreed Rhodes.

Janeway sighed again as she turned back to face her roommate. “But why is it I don’t feel like being smart? Damn it, Sally, why do I feel like I don’t want to forget him, that there's something important that I just can’t let go of?”

“Maybe because you still love him.”

“Maybe. In that case, I’m stuck in a no-win situation.”

Rhodes patted her shoulder. “Only if you want to be. But if it’s any consolation, there’s never a relationship in which everything goes smoothly. Sometimes you hit a bumpy spot. But it doesn’t have to drive you apart unless you want it to. In fact, sometimes, it can shake you up enough to decide to do something to set things right.”

Janeway was silent for a moment. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Sally, but it’s easy for you to say. You’ve got a fiancé back home waiting for you.”

“It’s easy for me to say this _now_ , Kathryn, but Mario and I had some rough times before we got squared away. The conflict in our careers, for one thing. My specialty is condensed matter physics. My ideal venue is deep space. I don’t get back home very often, and when I do, Mario can’t drop everything just to be with me. He’s a concert pianist, and he’s on tour through much of the year. Eventually, the strains of carrying on a long distance relationship almost brought us to the breaking point.”

"What did you do?”

“We had to sit down and really ask ourselves what it was that we wanted. Individually, and then together." Rhodes squeezed Janeway's hand comfortingly. "If something is important enough, you fight for it. And if you really want it badly enough, you find a way. So what do you really want, Kathryn?”

~*~

For the next few weeks, Janeway found herself mulling that question over and over. What _did_ she really want?

She hadn’t seen Justin at all since the night she stormed out of his cabin. It was surprising that this was possible, on a ship as small as the Icarus. But perhaps it wasn’t so surprising after all. They no longer worked together; he had no further reason to come to the Astrometrica lab, nor did she have any excuse to drop by engineering. In a way, she was relieved. She wondered, though, if he was actively avoiding her.

Finally, after almost a month, Janeway acknowledged that she was no closer in resolving her feelings for him. And anyways, she reminded herself, any decision she made could only be a starting point at best. Even if she wanted a reconciliation, and that was a pretty big if, it didn’t matter unless he was willing to work things out as well.

She was no closer to a decision on the evening she came back, belatedly, to her quarters. She had been putting in a lot of overtime recently. Aside from the chance of serving some time on the bridge, she was hoping that if she kept busy enough, she could keep herself from brooding. Now she was tired, and hungry, and every muscle in her body ached. She conjured up thoughts of a long, hot soak in a steaming tub of water, even though she knew it was impossible. Junior officers quarters just didn’t have those type of accommodations. Well, she’d settle for a good long hydro-shower instead.

A flash of color caught her eye. Lying on the desk was a large bunch of red, long-stemmed roses. A small slip of old-fashioned paper was attached to the ribbon holding the bouquet together. She picked it up, curious.

_Kathryn,  
Now that you’ve had some time to cool down and think things through, I think we should get together and talk. Meet me in the holodeck at 2100 hours?  
Justin_

That was it. No apology. Just a request to meet. 

“Computer, time?”

“The time is now 2045.”

She’d have to hurry if she was going to make it. She went over to her closet, pulled out a casual outfit and started removing her uniform. When she was finished changing, she glanced in the mirror.

She’d deliberately avoided selecting something overtly revealing or seductive. She was resolved that this was not going to be settled by simply falling into bed. If Justin wanted her back, he was going to have to prove himself first. She brushed her hair, and then decided to leave it loose, just gathered up lightly in the back.

She was in the turbolift before she realized what she had done. After a month of silence, Justin had basically told her to jump and here she was doing it, no questions asked. The old pattern was reasserting itself.

“Computer, halt ‘lift.” She seriously considered going back to her quarters. She opened her mouth, but found she was unable to get the words out. “God damn it! For someone so smart, Kathryn, you can be awfully stupid,” she muttered to herself.

“Awaiting input. Please state a destination.”

“Computer, resume turbolift.” She knew at that moment that she’d finally made up her mind, although she told herself that she was just curious to see what he had to say. 

The holodeck indicated that a program was already running. She took a deep breath, then released it, and passed through the doors. The privacy lock automatically engaged.

She found herself standing on a mountaintop at night. Somewhere on Earth, she thought to herself, noting the familiar pattern of the constellations. 

“Finished your analysis, yet, Ensign?” She spun around to see him standing behind her. She hadn’t heard his approach.

“Earth’s Western Hemisphere, North American continent, late fall.”

Justin smiled. “Very good. I knew you’d figure it out.”

“I’m glad I pass.” She kept her tone light, but said nothing more. This meeting was his idea, she would let him take the lead. There was a long silence.

“I wasn’t sure you were going to come,” he said finally.

“Neither was I.”

“I’m glad you did.” She searched his face, but could find no clue as to what he was thinking.

“Why?”

Justin looked away. “Because we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“Us. Our relationship.”

“All right. Go ahead, I’m listening.”

“I was hoping that you would start,” he said.

“Sorry, Justin, I’m not going to make it easy for you. This meeting was your idea. Either you tell me what you’re thinking and what you want, or I’ll know it was a mistake to come here after all.”

“All right.” Janeway looked at him, surprised. She had never seen him nervous before. “Kathryn, I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry I never told you before how much you mean to me, how much I do appreciate you. This past month hasn’t been pleasant. I guess it’s taken being separated from you for so long to make me realize what I was missing.”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” she asked dryly.

“You could say that. Or maybe it should be ‘abstinence’? All those lonely nights.” He smiled, then paused, obviously expecting her to react, but she just looked at him. “Sorry. I thought I would try to lighten things up a little.”

“Fine. So you missed the sex.” 

“You know that’s not all I missed, Kathryn,” Justin said quietly.

She told herself he was making an attempt, and that she should stop being so confrontational. “All right, Justin. Go on.”

He looked momentarily confused. “Go on? What do you mean? I’ve said everything that needs saying. I need you, Kathryn, and I’m sorry I acted like such a jerk. What do you want me to do, put on a hair shirt and engage in some self-flagellation?”

“No, damn it, I don’t!” she snapped. “I would just like you to be completely honest with me for once. Forget it, I knew I shouldn’t have come. It was my mistake.”

She tried to brush past him, but he caught her arm. “Stop running away, like you always do! For God’s sake, I apologized. I said I appreciate you. I honestly don’t know what the hell else you want from me.” He sounded exasperated.

Janeway paused, considering. What did she want? She wanted to hear him say he loved her. Just three little words. But if she had to spell it out for him, what value did it really have? Was it really too much for her to expect, for him to love her, to feel for her what she did for him? She looked up into his eyes which were focused intently on her face, waiting. Cat’s eyes, reflecting the faint light around them, throwing everything back and giving no clue as to what went on inside. 

A gentle wind had sprung up on the mountaintop. The loose strands of her hair blew free around her face. She pushed at them ineffectually, and noticed that the breeze had rifled his hair as well. Almost without thinking, she reached up and gently smoothed back a lock of hair which had fallen forward over his brow.

He caught her hand in his and their eyes met. His had changed, held an almost pleading expression. “Kathryn.” She had never heard such tenderness is his voice before, and she felt the tears well up in response.

His arms went around her and she moved closer to him, burying her face in his chest. For a timeless moment they stood there like that, until she stepped back.

His gaze never left her face, burned deep within her soul. “Am I forgiven?”

For all his intensity, there was a softness that reminded her of the way he had looked when they had returned from Urtea II. _There are many ways to say you love someone_ , she reminded herself, and actions did speak louder than words. He continued to look at her, waiting for her reply. 

She attempted a smile, and found it easier than she expected. “Yes, pending good behavior in the future. Just remember you’re on probation, mister.” 

Justin smiled back, clearly relieved. “Am I allowed to kiss you?”

“If you don’t, I’m going to break your neck.” She meant to be flippant, but it came out sounding almost desperate. He chuckled, and then wrapped his arms around her once more.

The holodeck program continued to run, unchecked. After a while, the stars began to dim. The sky paled, but by the time the sun rose, the human occupants were otherwise concerned.

~*~

Janeway bit her lip in concentration, running through the numbers yet again. Almost there, she thought to herself, but not quite. Suddenly, she felt a pair of arms encircle her waist from behind and felt a warm breath and even warmer lips on the back of her neck.

“I’ll be with you in a few moments, Lieutenant,” she said, attempting to shrug him off.

Justin released her and stepped back. “Kathryn, you do realize it’s me?”

“Yes, silly. Of course I do.” She turned around to face him.

“Good, because I’d hate to think that this is how you and Lieutenant Ditillo routinely communicate.”

Janeway shook her head, amused. “No, but I really wish you’d come in a few minutes later. I just need a little bit more time to get this finished.”

“Your shift ended more than an hour ago, Kathryn. How much more time are we talking about?”

“What time is it? Damn, I really meant to get this completed already. We need this analysis before tomorrow’s away mission.”

“Who else is going to be on the mission?” Justin asked casually. “I mean, besides you and Ditillo.”

“Ensigns Hargrove and Zesas. Now could you please just shut up for a few more minutes?” she begged.

There was silence for a while, until she finally deactivated the console, turned around and smiled. “Hello there.”

“Let me say hello to you properly,” he said, moving closer.

“Not here, Justin,” she demurred. “What if T’Por or one of the other officers were to come in now?” 

“Come on, Kathryn, relax. What are the odds of someone actually coming in? Besides, you’re off duty.” 

She acknowledged the truth to what he was saying, but still didn’t relax entirely. “Oh, even off duty there’s probably some regulation against officers making out on top of one of the science consoles. Or there should be. If I were in command, I don’t think I’d be too pleased to discover my crew cavorting like that.”

He laughed. “Cavorting, huh? I like the way that sounds. Well, you could always chalk it up to some alien influence.” Justin kissed her carefully and thoroughly, then asked, “If you were in command? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Janeway turned away, slightly embarrassed. “Oh, nothing. Just something that Admiral Paris said a few months ago, that he thinks I should consider switching from science to the command track.” She waited for him to react, bracing herself for a negative comment. 

To her surprise, Justin said, “That’s not a bad idea, actually. You’ve got the requisite brains and toughness, and you’re certainly good at telling people what to do.”

“Seriously, Justin, what do you think?”

“I think, if it’s what you want, then you should go for it.”

“Thanks. I don’t know, I’m still just playing around with the idea.”

“Well, in the meantime, I’ve got some ideas about better things to play, if you’re interested.” He gave her a suggestive look.

“Definitely. Let’s head over to my cabin, unless you wanted to get something to eat first.”

He shook his head. “Kathryn, I really think my place would be better for what I’ve got in mind.”

“Oh, really? And what does your cabin have that mine doesn’t?”

“For one thing, it’s missing something that yours has. Like a roommate.”

“Sally’s got gamma shift all this week. And I’ve got something that I’d love for you to see.”

“Mmm. You’ve convinced me.” They left the lab together.

As they entered her quarters she stopped and asked, “Justin why did you ask who else was on tomorrow’s mission?”

His voice was almost a little too casual as he answered, “Oh, no reason in particular.”

“They’re both security personnel, Justin. Does that mean you’re expecting there to be some trouble?”

“Not unless one of those guys makes a pass at you,” he growled.

“Okay, then I suppose I shouldn’t mention that Hargrove, ‘Grover to my friends’, asked me out about six weeks ago,” she said. 

“Definitely a court-martial offense.”

“Joking aside, Justin, is there something to be concerned about?”

He looked at her for a long moment before he answered. “No, there isn’t. We’re just being cautious. And if you ever were in trouble, you know I’d do my damndest to get you out of it safely.”

Later that night, she thought again of what he had said and the accompanying look in his eyes. _I know he loves me_ , she thought to herself, _but why doesn’t he ever come right out and say it?_


	5. Chapter 5

“Lieutenant.”

Janeway stiffly acknowledged the greeting and continued walking down the corridor. She still wasn’t used to her new title, still felt a little self-conscious in responding to it. She could even swear she felt the added weight of the additional pip.

T’Por had called her into the Ready Room a few nights earlier. Janeway colored slightly when she recalled the mad dash for the pile of discarded clothes that had accompanied the insistent chirp of the com badge.

“Shit! Whose is that?”

“Well, it’s not mine. It’s got to be yours.”

“Where the hell is my tunic?”

“I don’t know, where did you toss it?”

“Where did I toss it? I’m not the one who tore it off and threw it away.”

“No, you were too busy trying to get my pants off.”

She finally came up with the elusive metal disc. “Janeway.”

T’Por’s voice came over the channel. “Ensign Janeway, please report to the Ready Room.”

She tried and failed to get a look at the chronometer. Justin’s body was blocking her view. She tried not to think about what else he was doing at that moment. “Yes, Commander. Is there a problem, ma’am?”

“No, Ensign, there is not. However, your presence is required.” Then, “Ensign, is there a problem at your end? It sounds as though you are experiencing difficulty breathing.”

She silently cursed Justin and tried to disengage him from his careful ministrations to the lower half of her body. “No problem, Commander. I’ll be right there. Janeway out.” She scowled at him. “You’re a dead man, Tighe.” He grinned at her unrepentantly.

She had made it to the Ready Room at breakneck speed, mentally cataloguing along the way the various pieces of clothing she’d forgotten to put on in her hurry, but not wanting to delay any further than she already had. She had flinched when T’Por had scrutinized her attire, expecting to be told that she was out of uniform. To her total surprise, the commander had reached over and fastened the new black pip to her collar.

“Congratulations are in order, Lieutenant Janeway.”

“But ma’am, I’ve only been serving for about a year,” she said in confusion.

T’Por came as close as Janeway had ever seen to a Vulcan smile. “Technically, you have been at the rank of Ensign for four years, although your active service is considerably shorter. However, it is not the quantity of time served which is important, rather the quality. That is a crucial distinction you would do well to make.” The commander handed her a message chip. “This is a communication from Admiral Paris in which he makes clear the circumstances which have resulted in your promotion.”

Janeway smiled fondly now as she remembered the Admiral’s message. And as good as it was to hear his words of praise, it was even better to see and hear him. Starfleet Medical had done wonders; he was almost back to his old self. It was about time.

It was time for other things as well. After nearly 12 months in space, the Icarus was returning to Earth, her mission concluded. The ship was due for a lengthy overhaul and maintenance in space-dock. Her crew would receive two months of shore leave before taking up their new assignments. 

Janeway herself hadn’t been reassigned yet; she had to first seriously consider whether or not to make the switch from science track. Depending on her decision, she could be shipping out again very soon or else be spending the next several months, planetside, in Command School. She hoped her father, Vice-Admiral Edward Janeway, would be able to take some time from his busy schedule to discuss this with her. She very much wanted his input before she made her final decision.

But right now she needed to talk to Justin. There were some decisions to be made there, as well. She signaled again at his door. No response. She hadn’t seen him at the party in the Holodeck. He had also been conspicuously absent from the earlier farewell dinner in the Mess Hall. She tried one last time, then keyed in his entry code.

She entered, feeling vaguely like an intruder. “Justin?”

“Just a second,” came a muffled voice. He emerged from the bedroom, with a towel wrapped around his waist. “Sorry, just got out of the shower.”

“You should have waited for me,” she said, smiling.

“Sorry, didn’t know you’d be coming by. What can I do for you?”

“It’s our last night on board the Icarus, Justin.,” she ran her hand suggestively over his chest. Then, as he moved to take her in his arms, “I didn’t see you at the crew gathering.”

“Yes, well, I’m not much for those big mob scenes.” He smoothed her hair over to one side, and bent to kiss her neck.

“That’s fine, I don’t mind spending some quiet time with you instead,” she replied. “It will give us a better opportunity to talk anyways.”

“Talk about what, Kathryn?” Justin asked, and let go of her.

She took a deep breath, and then decided to just plunge right in. “About us, and where we go from here.”

“ ‘Where we go’? I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at.”

Janeway said carefully, “As I mentioned, it’s our last night. I think we need to talk about our future.”

He smiled. “Well, my immediate future involves a trip to Risa.”

She smiled back. “I’ll be heading over to Indiana to spend some time with my family, but I could possibly meet you there for a few days.”

“Great. It’s a date.”

“Or perhaps you might want to come to Indiana with me?” Justin didn’t respond and so she decided not to press it. “Only Risa, hmm? Aren’t you going to Klatus Prime?”

His smile grew tight. “No, I’m not.”

“Really? When’s the last time you were home?” 

“Actually, I haven’t been back there for over 15 years, and I’ve got no intention of ever returning.”

Janeway thought of her own family and how eager she was to get back to them. Once again she was struck by how little she really knew him. “But they're your family, Justin. Don’t you want to see them?”

The smile had vanished completely now. There was a look of pain, and of anger, in his eyes as he answered, “There’s no one there I care to see.”

“Your parents?”

He moved towards the viewport and gazed out. He stood there silently for a few moments, a dark silhouette against the stars. “I never told you about my family, did I, Kathryn?”

“You mentioned your sister once, your father, too, I think, but not in any detail.”

“I never knew my biological father, don’t even know what his name was. A few years after I was born my mother married a miner named Clem Lemel. He’s the only ‘father’ I remember. What a guy. He used to beat the crap out of her, and me, whenever he’d had too much to drink. The rest of the time, he just did it whenever the hell he felt like it. He could even teach the Cardassians a thing or two.” The bitterness in his voice was palpable. “I was able to get away, eventually, thanks to Starfleet. I enlisted as a crewman, and eventually got a scholarship to the Academy for officer’s training.”

She gazed at his stony profile. “Oh, Justin, I’m sorry, I never knew.”

He nodded impatiently, and continued. “My first year at the Academy, my mother and sister were killed in a transport accident. The authorities on Klatus Prime contacted me to come claim their bodies, they weren’t able to find Clem. The bastard was on a bender at some fleabag. He didn’t even surface until the day after their funerals. So, no, there’s no one back there for me, not anymore.”

She was at a loss for words. This was the answer to Justin, his stoicism, his reluctance to reveal his thoughts or feelings. Her heart ached thinking about the pain he must have suffered. She moved over, put her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” she said again. “Justin, I swear I’m going to do everything I can to make up for this.”

He looked at her sharply. “What are you talking about?”

“I can’t stand to see you hurting like this. I care about you too much.”

Justin's face changed radically. She could almost see the doors slamming shut. He stepped back, his eyes unreadable. “Kathryn, don’t. I don’t want or need your pity.”

“This isn’t pity,” she said quietly. “Justin, I love you.”

The corners of his mouth quirked up in a sardonic smile. “What’s love got to do with it? Come on, Kathryn, even you can’t be that naïve. What we had wasn’t a real relationship, but a ‘mission objective.’ Serves a specific purpose, at a particular time."

"Justin, I love you," she repeated. "Do you hear me?"

"This isn't about love," he said harshly. "It’s about being lonely. It’s about sex. But that’s all it is. We had a good time, you and I, but don’t confuse this with love, because it’s not.”

His sudden change was baffling. It was as if he was intentionally trying to hurt her. Her face burned and her eyes stung. “No, I don’t believe you. I don’t know why you’re saying this to me, but it’s not true. You can’t mean any of it.”

“For crying out loud, Kathryn, are you stupid? What don’t you understand? I don’t love you. All of this was just a convenient arrangement for a while, but the mission’s over. Now you’re going to go back to your nice loving family, and I’m going to go and get laid. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get enough to last me until my next posting.”

“Stop it,” she said, forcefully. “Damn it, Justin, don’t just shove aside my feelings as if they’re not important. I really do love you, and I think that if you could only let yourself admit it, you’d realize you love me, too. When we got back from Urtea II--”

His face twisted in anger. “You’re looking for a hero, Kathryn, and that’s not me. Yeah, I rescued you from the Cardassian prison camp and so maybe you felt you owed me something in return. Consider the debt paid.”

“Why are you doing this?” Janeway demanded. “Are you trying to push me away because you’re afraid to let your feelings show?” 

He gave a bitter laugh. “Yes, the great hero turns out to be nothing more than a coward.”

“Justin,” she said stubbornly. “I didn’t fall in love with an image, or an idea. I fell in love with _you_ , for the person you are.”

“You don’t really know me,” he said dismissively.

She refused to give up. “Maybe because you have such a hard time letting me in. But sometimes, you’ve let your shields down long enough to let me catch a glimpse. And that was enough for me to know I love you. Please, let me in all the way, Justin,” she pleaded. He hesitated imperceptibly, but then shook his head.

“I can’t,” he said, his eyes full of pain. “Damn it, I’m not capable of love! I never will be able to say to you what you want to hear, I can never be the person you want me to be. Kathryn, it’s just not going to work.” There was a note of finality in his voice.

She stared at him, then bowed her head as the full import of his words hit her. Up until that moment, she had believed it was still going to turn out all right. She had believed, deep down, that he really cared but just needed to work through his fears. She had been confident that together they would find a way. But for reasons she didn’t even begin to understand, Justin could not, or would not, even try.

After a few moments, she looked up at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “I really do love you, Justin.”

“I know,” he said quietly.

“What can I do to change your mind?” she asked in desperation. “Justin, please, there’s got to be something--”

“There’s nothing you can do, Kathryn. Just move on.”

“Is that what you really want?” she cried, but he did not answer. There was no other sound in the room except for her sobs.

After a while she regained her control, took a deep breath. She wearily scrubbed the back of her hand over her eyes and turned to go, to walk away as she had so many times before. This was the way their scenes always ended, only this time she knew she wouldn’t be coming back. It was finally over. 

She was almost out the door when she thought she heard a muffled curse, followed by her name. She wondered if her mind was playing tricks on her, imagining she heard his voice only because she wanted so badly for it to be true. She paused, but couldn’t bring herself to turn around.

Suddenly he was there beside her. “Kathryn, wait. I may be a total asshole, but I’m not going to be stupid enough to let the best thing that’s ever happened to me just walk out of my life forever.” He gripped her shoulders tightly, looked deep into her eyes. “I don’t have the right to ask you this, especially after what I just said, but please, don’t go.”

With every fiber of her being she wanted to believe him. “Give me a reason to stay, Justin.”

His eyes were still intent on hers. “Damn it, Kathryn, you were right. I do love you.” 

“Are you sure about this?” A wild hope rose up within her.

“Yes, I am.” He paused and then said in a rush of words, “Kathryn Janeway, will you marry me?”


	6. Epilogue

“That’s it?” Chakotay said. 

Janeway smiled, still caught up in old memories. “Well, obviously, there is more to tell.” She stretched and yawned. “Computer, time?”

“The time is 0425 hours.”

“Damn. How did it get to be so late? We’re both on duty in less than 3 hours.”

They rose stiffly from the couch. “This sort of thing used to be a lot easier when I was younger,” Chakotay said ruefully.

“A lot of things used to be easier, or at least simpler,” Janeway said wistfully.

“We can say that now. But when we were going through them, it didn’t seem that way.”

“No, it didn’t.” They were both silent for a bit.

She put her hand on his arm. “Thanks for listening. I guess I really did need to talk about him.”

Chakotay smiled. “Always glad to help you exorcise some old demons, Kathryn. But you know the story isn’t complete, not yet.”

“I know. Perhaps tomorrow?”

“Maybe. But right now, let’s get some sleep. To coin a phrase, tomorrow is another day.”


End file.
